There is no Personal without Relational Development

The only way forward is we

I´ve just started reading the new article about progress by The Consilience Project. One of the main messages of the article is that “our idea of progress needs to mature”, if we want to thrive and survive as humanity. The article seems to be mostly about technological progress. Though what I want to talk about is how our idea of progress in the area of personal development has to change in order for us to become fully human.

For many of us today personal development is completely detached from relational development. It´s all about success for myself and my own happiness. Often the impact on the world and the people around me isn´t taken into account. Even when it comes to dating and relationships the willingness to throw away another being for my own happiness and growth is at the heart of many of todays advice.

But that is no true progress, no healthy growth, no real (positive) change…

• Tell me what good is your own happiness if it comes at the expense of someone else?

• What good is you getting a house in L.A. while there are still people without a roof over their heads?

• What good is you ending a relationship with someone if only one of you benefits from it?

• How does it serve the world if you reach the mountaintop by pushing someone else down?

I don´t believe there is any personal development that is detached from the world and others. The only worthwhile personal development is relational development. Your growth in your capacity to be in relationship with yourself, the world and other - all at the same time. It´s about growing to serve the world instead of growing to serve me.

“For our idea of progress to be mature, it must take account of its side effects and plan to resolve them in advance—it must internalize its externalities.“ - The Consilience Project

We are not made to be on our own. We are biological and tribal beings, evolved in a way to live connected to a bigger whole. We wouldn´t even develop an I without first being called by a name, as you.

You can believe you are fully enlightened, yet if you can´t bring someone else with you into that space it´s not real. It´s just you detaching from the collective. A head-trip to run from the collective state of suffering.

The real you is always an emergent property of the space you are in, always in connection with everyone around you. Therefore true happiness, success or progress is always reciprocal.

If you don´t see it that´s because you are imprinted WEIRD. WEIRD stands for ‘Western, Educated, Industrialised, Rich, Democratic’, an acronym developed by Joe Heinrich.

“WEIRD people are highly individualistic, self-obsessed, control-oriented, nonconformist, and analytical. We focus on ourselves — our attributes, accomplishments, and aspirations — over our relationships and social roles. We aim to be “ourselves” across contexts and see inconsistencies in others as hypocrisy rather than flexibility. Like everyone else, we are inclined to go along with our peers and authority figures; but, we are less willing to conform to others when this conflicts with our own beliefs, observations, and preferences. We see ourselves as unique beings, not as nodes in a social network that stretches out through space and back in time.”

As an answer I invented the acronym of HERE, standing for ‘Holistic, Embodied, Reciprocal, Emergent’. It´s the way we have to think about our “self”, if we want to have any chance of creating a world of peace and prosperity for all of us,

“HERE people are people who transformed their ego to a wego. An ego in service to the collective. We focus on our impact on the world, our roles we serve in relationships and in public. We know that relationships make us. We understand our being as a process, a verb not a noun, as an emergent property of the universe. We know that peace can only be if we are able to have conflict while staying in connection. We are unique due to our unique circumstances and soul-scriptures that we are born with. We are following our inner compass instead of external information or authorities to make sense of the world.”

The Lost Art of Co-Regulation

In the book ‘From Triggered to Tranquil’ Susan Campbell talks about the need to develop the capacity to co-regulate our nervous system. The reaction most of us have to an emotional trigger is either fight, flight or freeze. In other words detaching from the connection. No wonder as most of our parents haven´t been good examples for co-regulation. We are still at the beginning of bringing our true being into the collective.

Instead of expressing our truth we hide in our little world in our heads and bodies. Yet it´s exactly in the relationship where the emotion needs to be expressed if we want to heal. Being seen and accepted in our pain is what allows us to heal, to embody more of our soul and ensoul more of our body. It´s the way the world changes. There are not bad or negative emotions just ways to handle them that aren´t serving our soul but our ego.

The next time you are triggered in connection with someone try to own it instead of closing down. Try to express it in a way that´s not making yourself it´s victim or the other one the culprit. The source is always you, a part of you that finally calling out to you to finally be seen.

Don´t Forget the Externalities

Another word for externalities is side effects. Always keep in mind that myriad of things are co-determined by one and the same real happening. There always will be something we forgot to take into account, but…

“We are capable of holding the unknowable complexity of reality at the very center of how we take action in the world, and mitigating the consequences of the gaps in our knowledge in advance.” - The Consilience Project

A good example is the way many people end relationships. Often times it´s just one of the two people in a relationship wanting to end it. Instead of having the conversation to make our partner understand and feel our decision with us we just end it. It is easier to run from than to dive into the emotions and feelings that preceded the decision. I don´t believe we think straight and feel fully when we make decisions like this.

There´s so much possibility for growth having these conversation that we don´t want to have. Of course we have a myriad of stories why we don´t want to have it. The other one or the relationship is simply toxic (not good for me) is the favourite one for many. The truth is the people or relationships you label toxic are actually the best way for you to grow and heal if you decide to embrace them.

A Story Untold

There is a new story emerging. A story untold, unfolding in reverse through time and space. It´s us walking back the path of separation to find love in the places we saw none before.

It´s us realizing that relationship is the nature of our being, not what we have to create. We simply have to peel away the layers of lies that stand between us experiencing it. Feeling and expressing our truth, instead of our opinion. Letting the We take us where our I fears to go.

Thanks for reading.

Marco

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